Hello, and welcome! My name is Ryan, and I’m just a regular guy with some information to share. Hopefully you will find something useful mixed in with my ramblings. Feel free to post questions or comments and I will try my best to address them as best I can. Please note before you read on that, if you are looking for information about specific procedures or medical problems, this may not be the place for you (but feel free to read anyway). I don't go into any specifics about these topics because there are such a wide range of things to cover, and everyone has a different situation. Plus, I'm not a specialist so I'm not going to pretend to be able to provide advice on your case.
When my wife and I started the whole fertility treatment process, I searched high and low for some information about dealing with the intricacies and challenges. I was astounded by the overwhelming amount of information that is available, but there was very little from the man’s perspective. At the time, I simply stopped searching because my wife and I were starting the long journey we had ahead of us, but now I’m inspired to provide a little information for anyone attempting the same search that I was several years ago.
My wife and I have been working through fertility treatments for a little under 9 years and we have finally been blessed with our first pregnancy.
The first year or so of the process was spent analyzing the source of the complications we were having with conceiving. This analysis was followed by several rounds of IUI, and then finally, a couple of rounds of IVF. If you are unfamiliar with any of these terms, a quick Google search will return more results than you know what to do with.
This process offers many challenges and learning experiences, many of which I hope to provide a bit of perspective on. Some of my points I have in-depth experience with, and others are simply observations and lessons that I came to understand through the process and other things in my life. Either way, I believe strongly in these views and I would even argue that some of them could make or break your relationship with your spouse. My hope is to help guys understand what to expect and give a bit of advice on how to deal with it.
Don't let your complications change how you interact with other expecting couples
Depending on your personality, you may start to find it difficult to hear about other people around you who are expecting babies. You may even begin to resent hearing about it. Try your best to fight this feeling. Try to take good news for exactly what it is... good news. It may take a while to be able to live this way, but the more positive things you can find the better you will be able to cope with the fertility treatment process. Deal with your feelings when you hear of someone else expecting, don't ignore them. But once the feelings are dealt with, understand that it is possible to be happy for someone else.
Over the course of our 8+ years of treatments, we saw many friends and family start trying, getting pregnant, having their kids and building their families. I won't lie and say it was easy to deal with, but the important part is to focus on the positive side and not the negative. Don't focus on the fact that you are having difficulties conceiving. Focus on the fact that the people you love and care about are building their families.
Ask questions
If you have questions, ask! There are many wonderful sources of information these days that you should make use of as you see fit. There are countless books on the subject, the internet is overflowing with info, most people will have opinions on the subject. The problem with this approach is that your situation is slightly different than everyone else's so nothing is quite as effective as speaking to your specialist.
Don't be embarrassed to speak to your specialist about absolutely anything and everything. Believe me, they have heard it all! There is no substitute for the person that has your file sitting in front of them, so take advantage of it whenever you need to.
Your support is critical
The bottom line is that this is probably harder on your wife than it is on you. Regardless of where the fertility issues lye (with the guy or the girl), the majority of women have a hard-wired need to be mothers. It’s not something they just “want”, but it’s something they “need” too. For the most part, men have a difficult time understanding how deep this need goes, but there is an important lesson to be learned. You don’t always have to understand the details to be supportive!
Now, that said; you need to be very clear about what it means to be supportive. It does not mean that you have to personally solve every problem that comes up. Nor does it mean you have to have an answer to every question that she has. Supportive simply means to be there for whatever your wife needs. There will probably be times of hopelessness, anger, frustration and sadness, but you can help get her through it just by supporting her. This could be as simple as a hug, so don’t feel like every gesture needs to be an epic event.
Remember… there is no right or wrong when it comes to the emotions that the two of you will feel. Emotions are what they are, and you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling, as is your wife. But there most certainly is right or wrong in the decisions you make when reacting to the emotions, and in the way you communicate the emotions to your wife.
Don’t count pennies
Yes, I understand that this an incredibly expensive process depending on where you are, but that is not within your power to change. If you focus on the costs associated with fertility treatment it will have nothing but a negative impact for you, your wife and the process overall. Thinking of the costs will slowly eat away at you and just add stress to an already stressful situation, so just accept the cost and move on to focus on success.
Have hope, but try to avoid expectations
It’s important to distinguish between having hope and having expectations. It’s kind of like playing the lottery… you buy a lottery ticket because you obviously hope to win the jackpot (otherwise, why buy the ticket, right?) but you don’t have an expectation that you will win. If there is an expectation that I was going to win the lottery, I might go buy an Aston Martin before I win, but this is probably not a good idea. There is always the chance that I will not win. If I have expectations rather than hope, news that my expectation was not met can be far more hurtful.
This balance is not easy to find and I’m sure it is different for everyone. The trick is to find a place where you can feel positive through the process without being completely crushed if you get bad news at the end of it.
On the bright side, your chances at being successful with fertility treatments are generally far better than they are for winning the lottery!
Drop your pride and grow up
No, I’m not just trying to insult my readers. I’m quite serious! Do not be embarrassed to deal with the issues and “tasks” that come up (you’ll never look at a little plastic cup the same way again). There is a certain level of maturity that you need to maintain. The very nature of this experience means you are going to have to discuss things and do things that you have been giggling at since you were a teenager. Yes, some of it is embarrassing. Yes, some of it you will want to block out of your mind. But no, you can’t ignore or avoid it!
I’m not saying you should never joke around about it. Trust me, humour helps get you through it, so try to see the funnier and lighter sides of things. I just mean that your decisions, actions and attitude should never negatively impact the process.
The simple fact is, if you aren’t mature enough to deal with the process to make your child, you should probably examine whether or not you are ready to have a child.
Patience
It’s just one word, but it makes all the difference. For you, for your wife, and for the whole process in general, patience is critical. There will be a lot of waiting when you don’t want to wait. There will be seemingly endless appointments (yes, try to go with her to be supportive, even if you just sit in the waiting room). Getting impatient with this process is a sure-fire way to increase your stress levels and decrease your chances of success. Understand and live the old adage "play with the cards you are dealt".
